Posts Tagged “Relationship”

Question by Gwen: How do I become more assertive in bed with my partner?
I am a very feminine 27 year old lesbian. In my past relationships I have always been the more “submissive” one, so to say. I recently started dating a woman who is most definitely more aggressive in life (and somewhat butch as well) but she is very submissive in bed, and I am struggling to find a balance. I’m really into her, and want our relationship to continue to grow, so I need some advice on how to be more assertive in bed!

Best answer:

Answer by The Truth Hurts
Maybe you should start to be more “submissive” first. Like you make the first moe. Tell her to relax an enjoy the ride!

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Question by Susan F: How to be more assertive in life?
I have a huge problem being assertive and sticking up for myself. I wanted to know if anyone had any advice on how to stop being such a pushover. I let my friends be catty to me and make me feel bad constantly, I am getting taken advantage of at work, and in my relationship I let my boyfriend cancel plans and ditch me all the time. I am sick of being a doormat but am always trying to please everyone and have no problems with anyone.

Best answer:

Answer by Sarah
I think i need to improve in that too. You just have to put your foot down. Don’t let them intimidate you.

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Question by Arnie: What if you feel angry at someone for leaving for no good reason?
I feel angry towards her, she left for pretty poor reasons imho, she insisted she loved me all the way till the end, it just bothers me, i did everything right, that worries me for the future because how will i know if my best is good enough for anyone? Makes me just not want to try to love again, makes me want to go lone wolf, whilst i know this would be letting her win i still fell angry towards her and fearful of future relationships, advice please.

Best answer:

Answer by Ashera
Sometimes things just don’t work out. There’s nothing you can do about it and there doesn’t have to be a good reason. You shouldn’t rush in to another relationship. Be single for a while and give yourself time to let go of your anger towards her. Being bitter about women and relationships isn’t going to do you any favors. One bad relationship shouldn’t ruin the rest of your life.

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Question by Lora: Does this behavior constitute a hostile work environment?
Is sexual behavior between a man and woman in an office (particularly a government office) constitute a hostile work environment. Last year I had to witness my boss running after another lady in the office and it looked like they were having an affair. It has since cooled off, but I think he would like to start it up again with her. Please let me know.

Best answer:

Answer by Freddy
Were they using language that you found offensive? Were they engaging in sexual acts in your view? Were they exposing themselves? Showing offensive pictures?

I am sure none of the above happened (or you would have told us), so you do not have a case for hostile work environment. While you might not like the relationship, witnessing someone else flirt with someone else is not hostile work environment.

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Question by The thinker: How do you deal with the anger cheating causes?
My man and I have had an experience with him and cheating in a non-traditional way. We have talked things out and are in therapy. I don’t think he would do it again and I am learning to trust him more and more. The issue is that I am still angry about what happened and I can’t seem to let the anger go. I know its not healthy for me or the relationship, but I’m not sure what do to about it. I thought talking it out with him would fix it all, but the anger is still there. I love him and I know that he and I can get past this. How do I handle the anger?

Best answer:

Answer by lostandconfusedlaura
take up kick boxing or another physical sport?
I’m kinda in the same boat. my man cheated in a non-traditional way… I forgave and we’re still together… but sometimes when I’m with him and i think about what he did i get so mad i feel like hitting him… so I do martial arts.

I love him and i don’t really want to hurt him physically or emotionally…

hope this helps.

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Discipline The Angry Behavior Kids Develop – Before It Becomes A Much Bigger Problem

Wouldn’t it be incredible if our children suddenly became helpful in day to day living other than a hindrance. How proud would you be of your kids behavior if they would work with you instead of against you. No, this this is not a dream. Although I can attest it sometimes feels like I am living in one and I am also amazed at how simple and easy it was to get to this point. Once I learned how to properly and postively discipline the angry behavior kids develop early on, our family life became a lot smoother.

Deep down, most children actually want to behave. However, they can get distracted and frustrated very easily. They are ultimately still learning to control their emotions. Using phrases that trigger certain negative responses was what I was doing and I didn’t even know it. Hard ‘No’s’ and ‘absolutely not’s’ were destroying the relationship between myself and my children.

The new thing out there today is ‘Positive Discipline,’ which can be quite helpful. The idea is to make a connection before you mete out any corrective actions or discipline. The saying goes “Connection Before Correction” and this makes a lot of sense to me as a parent.  This is an effective anecdote in attempting to discipline the angry behavior kids develop these days.  It is important to dissolve this attitude as soon as you are able.

Otherwise, You will have an angry preteen on your hands and this is certainly no picnic. If it goes as far as teenager with angry behavior then there will ultimately be a power struggle and this can increase the potential for destroying any chance for a positive relationship with your child.

The behavior kids exhibit today is very different from the past generations before this age of technology. Things are muc more accessible than they used to be. Information moves much faster for everyone, including children. Although, things are always changing, they used to change slowly and in good time just one generation ago. Allowing an adequate transition period for everyone to adapt. This is important, as a factor in parenting the children growing up in these very quick changing times.

The angry behavior kids express these days can come from very many different sources. Some comes from computers and technical devices and yet some can even come from television or schools. It really does not matter where it comes from the point you need to make is that it needs to go away. I think that because discipline is sometimes associated with punishment and punishment is often associated with crime, that some parents have neglected discipline altogether. This leaves children who are growing up without discipline.

Discipline is guidance and very much needed. Kids thrive on direction and guidance as tools to identify and learn respect. Growing up with no direction is what is happening to a lot of the kids that I see now. If we do not discipline the angry behavior kids develop then our society will become flooded with rage.

That is a huge problem. A lot of what it stems from is how our past generations of parents have used discipline. They would use violence or spanking as the form of punishment and discipline. It was wrong then and it is still wrong. Now a days, if they were to do that the parent would go to jail. It is an ineffective method for certain, but to do away with discipline altogether is an even bigger mistake. We just need to modify how discipline is used in order to get the, ‘guiding’ results we are looking for.

The way of the future is is learning how to deal with our emotions with positive change and in parenting this can be very important. The number one thing, though, is to identify what is not open for discussion first. Lay down the law that you are not flexible with. This will make things much easier to begin. Then set out to write down a plan to adopt for changing the way you discipline your children. Post this plan where they can see it. Kids need to be constantly reminded of what they can and cannot do.

Having this plan is one thing, using and utilizing it as a tool is another. Part of drawing the line is following through and your kids know this. Stick to your guns. Your actions will set the example. Effective discipline is the only way to really teach, guide, and change the angry behavior kids exhibit when acting out. The change will not happen over night but it will happen if you follow your own plan out and keep amending it as time and changes demand.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent of a child with behavioral problems is to know & provide the best solutions available. From misbehavior to Great Behavior is the best information to help in learning how to properly identify the reasons behind the Behavior kids can sometimes demonstrate and can help to tame even difficult kids.

These are parenting solutions that Ashley provides really are cutting edge gets excellent feedback. It is gaining in popularity extremely fast, and for good reason. You can learn how to properly and positively Discipline the Angry Behavior Kids develop and help them to start living a more positive happier life. Positive discipline and strategies that will bring you and your child closer will make you both a lot happier.

Parenting potentials and strategies that work and really are cutting edge. This program gets terrific results, which is the very reason why it gets such excellent feedback. Certified by the Childcare Brain Health Research Institute, it is guaranteed and really does make a difference.  Learn how you can properly and positively Discipline the Angry Behavior Kids develop and help them to start living more positive. Increase his happiness and yours through positive behavior. You and your whole family will benefit from this program immensely and become much, much happier.

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Question by Culture Warrior: I sense some hostility between pilots and flight sim enthusiasts. Is this an accurate perception?
Would you care to fill me in on the dynamics of this relationship and reason for the hostility?

Best answer:

Answer by Nowell
Its simple.
Flight simmers think they know it all, when they’ve never been off the ground.

They’re annoying.
Expecially when they get on flight blogs and stuff online.

It’s not complicated.

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Building Relationships When You Are In A Hostile Working Environment

Do you love your job looking forward to getting to work every day so that you can feel productive and appreciated? Or, do you feel that your job is a place you have to go and you dont feel that you can show your true strengths, not to mention ever feel appreciated?

Many people are simply going to work in order to get a paycheck it would be wonderful if your job was a great place to be, but the truth is, for many people, it isnt a place where they feel valued or where they can look forward to going. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you will have a few people at your job that you enjoy being around, and who you can build relationships with, but most likely, your boss isnt one of those people.

Sometimes, even though it may be the hardest thing you have ever done (you would rather watch your boss fall off a 30 story building) you might have to take the steps towards building some kind of relationship that will help you to deal with your job easier. Find ways to relate to them, maybe even find a common bond. Ask them about their families, their hobbies – even what they feel is in store for your company or what they like about working with them. Showing a genuine interest in what they are doing, and in things that are happening in their lives, will help them to possibly see you on more level ground.

If you are able to show some interest in your bosss life, you might be surprised how they end up reacting. Everyone wants to feel that people are interested in their lives, and your boss is no different. And, it is worth a try in order to make your job more tolerable, and it might even get your boss to get off your back if they seem intent on harassing you.

Of course, that isnt always going to work, so you still need to research and understand your legal rights, especially if it has got to the point that you are working in a hostile workplace environment. When it has got to the point that no matter what you do or say, your boss will never show you the respect that an employee deserves from their boss, then obviously no amount of relationship building will work. Some people just feel that they are above others, and they enjoy making others feel inferior.

In most cases, this will have nothing to do with you, so dont take it personally. But, be prepared to know your rights when it crosses the line into, what you believe, is workplace harassment. Every employee has rights that they need to understand, especially if they feel their jobs are in jeopardy. No one needs to suffer through that and you wont be doing yourself any favors by allowing it to continue.

Emilee has worked in a hostile workplace environment, and feels that it is very important for everyone to have effective coping strategies – and to understand their legal rights. She offers a review of a guide that outlines employee rights, and regulations which are in place to protect them, which you can read by going to

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Critical Parent: How Much is Too Much?

Being a child of critical parents, how much mistreatment is enough? How much wishing things will change do you do? How many second chances do you give your parents? When do you draw the line and create boundaries? When do you cut ties?

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness.

Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. Just remember that just because you’re genetically linked (or adopted by) this person, doesn’t give him / her the right to mistreat you.

How to address your critical parent can be a tricky proposition. People in general can become defensive, retreat, or run away. But when the person is your own parent, so many more dynamics come in to play. And although you may make the most honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the relationship afloat, your parent may not see things the same way you do.

The following is a series of steps I took to approach my critical parents:

1. Do Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that after I exhibited my independence and showed how successful I was as a person, my parent would magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing won’t change how your critical parent treats you. So if doing nothing is the option chosen, you’ll have to accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and know that he / she will not change. I wasn’t to that stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to understand that my parent was the flawed one did I start seeing the light and coming to terms with the relationship.

2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit– dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent became more critical, more judgmental, and more dysfunctional.

Alice Miller encourages grown children to express anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or change, but to develop an authentic relationship. When you say no more, the word “no” is a word that never should be negotiated because the parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Declining to hear “no” is a signal that someone is either seeking to control or refusing to relinquish control.

So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is hard but if you want to have a relationship with your parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind to try to improve the situation. Further, let the parent know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an option. And if your parent decides not to accept your feelings or your requests, realize that you own your feelings and that you have every right to feel the way you do and that every relationship has mutual respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in school activities and functions kept me from being at home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I was out on my own, I physically separated myself from my parents. For example, if you live next-door to your parents, consider moving to the other side of town. If you live in your parent’s house, consider renting an apartment or buying your own home.

I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your mother asks you to call every day, politely explain that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that you are only able to visit one weekend a month. Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries on the amount of time my parents spent at my home– and dropping by unannounced was a big no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent know immediately and remind the parent of the boundaries.

In my case, the boundaries didn’t help in regard to criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw my parent three times a year, I left every single visit feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this treatment was coming from.

4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the next step, which was to separate myself– not a permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but a time for reflection and review of the relationship. During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for get-togethers and avoided communications with the parent. My goal was that through keeping this space between myself and my parent, time may ease tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. My hope was that my parent would be more grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after the separation, but the critical treatment quickly returned and at a greater intensity.

The single greatest power adult children have is the ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source of danger does not make it go away. Saying, “I won’t tolerate being treated this way” and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction and ambivalence.

Remember some parents have a need for perfection and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won’t.

The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver, is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.

5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of trying and progressive steps to try to ‘create’ a loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop trying. First off, you can’t change anyone… but YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging both of these points, I made a conscious effort to surround myself with loving, approving people. I broke off all contact with my critical parent and made sure that my life was filled with people who see the good in me and who aren’t too afraid or too petty to give me the affirmation and positive feedback my soul deserves.

Sure I wish things were different. I would love to have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and supportive– but that’s not what I was given. And because I recognize and understand where my parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD in others.

If a person can’t see the good in others, he / she is lacking basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.

I am presently estranged from both of my parents, but each relationship manifested itself completely differently. What was the drawing-line in one relationship was not the same drawing-line for the other. My Dad’s relationship was progressively souring, whereas my mother’s relationship was cyclical with a distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In other words, my Dad & my relationship was a slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my mother & my relationship went into an estrangement abruptly.

My Mother: the suddenly critical parent

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and we’ve been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During ‘good’ times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 – 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I were getting along very well. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned, and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.
My estrangement with my mother started mid-way through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn’t agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn’t have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn’t even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement didn’t occur because she blew up about the wedding– the estrangement occurred because of:

a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened.

If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and then let things cool down to where we could move on, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don’t get me wrong– the estrangement would have happened as it’s happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline’s tragic personality– what drives the Borderline’s personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her… or as she puts it, I ‘kicked’ her ‘out’ of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage’s (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it’s not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats; therefore, the BPD’s fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 80′s, 90′s, and 2000′s where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with my wedding wasn’t the reason for the estrangement– my mother’s reaction to the disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, the cycle of BPD.

My Dad: the always critical parent

In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. My Dad doesn’t cycle through varying behavior, attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is getting older and retired. He loves the blame game and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and judging. He’s a prolific gossip and loves manipulating those around him for his gain. He feels like the world revolves around him, loves being the center of attention, and demands a great deal of praise & admiration from others. He takes advantage of those around him and lacks empathy.

Whether not my last straw happened in December 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our relationship had been on the downswing for years. In fact, when my husband & I had left from our Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing experience. Since the early 2000′s, I have left visits with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter how I set my mind to having a positive experience prior to the gathering, it never failed– I would leave feeling horrible.

Conclusion– How to Handle the Critical Parent

No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you’ll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.

Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, communicating your feelings and expectations, setting boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely skipped or passed through quickly depending on the individual situation.

Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can’t make this critical parent into a kind and approving parent.

Gretel Ella is the author of the blog The Queen and King (, which details her life with a Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder Dad. Entries also include analysis of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders, along with additional writings about her family relationships, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), critical parents, enlightened witnesses, adults shamed in childhood, estrangement, and more.

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Question by littlemomma4544: Where do I start when my anger/anxiety issues are affecting my health and relationship?
I have always had anger/anxiety issues, but recently, I have come to a point where I can no longer deal with them on my own. A friend suggested starting with a general practitioner, as I am having health issues stemming from my anger/anxiety, such as headaches, weight gain, and stomach trouble. Is this the best place to start? I’ve made an appointment for this coming Monday. What should I tell this doctor?

Best answer:

Answer by Ano
Yes definately see a GP. He/she will refer you to a specialist who can help. Write down everything that you are feeling and hand it over the the GP. I am going to see the doc for a simular reason and I find that it helps to write everything down because when I’m under pressure I tend to forget.

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